O Lawnmower How I Hate Thee…

O lawnmower, how I hate thee. Let me count the ways…

  1. You are noisy, so noisy hearing protection is required. Sometimes the earmuffs that I leave over the steering wheel attract earwigs. I have so far always found them before putting them on my head. So far…
  2. You bounce and you vibrate the whole time I drive you. This makes me jiggle in unpleasant ways and reminds me that I have more jiggly parts than I’d like. Ride you long enough and even my non-jiggly bits start turning to jello and I slide off feeling like I’ve been living on a couch, eating potato chips my entire life.
  3. You cut crooked. I’ve tried to correct it, but you insist on cutting one side higher than the other. As a result even a freshly mowed area looks like a bad haircut.
  4. You run out of gas at the worst times. Is it because I run you at highest possible speeds at all times? Or because I never check before we set out? Whatever it is you’ve never run out of gas near the garage or a gas tank, nooooo always at the far end of the orchard. Always with the job almost done. You have terrible timing lawnmower. Terrible timing.
  5. You break. Your belts break and your doo-hickys fall off and the thing-gummy gets clogged and even when I fix them for you, a job I detest, they just go ahead and break again. Are you trying to tell me that zipties are not the fix for everything? How rude lawnmower, how rude.
  6. The important parts of you never break. You are the lawnmower that will not die. Do you even know how old you are? I have run you over sticks and stumps and small brush piles. Got you stuck on rocks and ditches but will you quit on a hot day and give me a break. Oh no, you will not!
  7. Your tire leaks. Slooowwwllly. So slowly as to not be worth patching. So quickly that it needs to be aired up almost every time you are used. No one likes a square tire lawnmower. No one.
  8. You don’t cut in reverse. You claim it’s for my safety. I say that’s total BS, you are just lazy. If you cut in reverse we’d be done so much faster.
  9. You don’t corner for beans. You are a lawnmower not a flatbed truck. Why do you have the turning radius of a school bus?
  10. But the thing I will never forgive you for is that because of you, I mow the lawn.

In related news my lawnmower dislikes being left outside in November with no gas and is now waaay out in the orchard with a dead battery and a flat tire. And though I removed the mouse nest and gave it some fuel, it still refuses to run properly. Ungrateful beast, it better shape up before the snow flies! 

 (Yes I know, most of these things are my fault. Yes, I know I shouldn’t have left the lawn mower outside. Yes, I still hate it anyway.)

11 comments on “O Lawnmower How I Hate Thee…

  1. jenanita01 says:

    I hate mine too, but the alternative is worse!

  2. Sharon Jacobson says:

    How do I love thee,let me count the ways. I love thee to the breadth and depth and height my soul can reach etc. beautiful poem unfortunately it doesn’t apply to your mower.

  3. This makes me glad my lawn is small enough that I can get by with a push mower. The worst thing that happens is twigs getting stuck in its works. Of course, I have to push it too…

  4. Widdershins says:

    That beast probably MADE you forget about it being outside … in the rain … and out of gas … with a dead battery … and a square tire … and uninvited guests … in November … just so you’d feel guilty.

    Inanimate objects, especially the ones with moving parts are the meanest!

  5. The best lawnmower post I’ve ever read 🙂

    • Jessie says:

      Why thank you! … Wait… how many lawnmower posts have you read??? 😉

      • 🙂 I’ll be pondering the answers to that question all day. Have I read any? How many? Does it matter? Define lawnmower post?

        Or write a poem about a moaning lawnmower. Or invent a yawnmower.

        Oh, the possibilities! Creativity is a blessing. Lawnmowers are too.

  6. Hate is healthy if directed at the naughty beast that is your lawnmower. That little guy has got some serious attitude problems. And I have to agree with Angela, this is not only the best lawnmower post I have ever read but also one of the best posts I have ever read, period 🙂 So I guess at least the lawnmower is good for something, even if not for what it was originally intended.

    • Jessie says:

      Serious attitude problems! And thank you! He and his attitude is packed away for the winter now- orchard still half mown…but a little snow and no one will notice! 😉

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