Did I Just Say What I Though I Said? VIII

Once again I caught myself uttering one of those phrases that I never would have thought:

A) needed to be said in the first place,

B) that I would need to be the one to say them and

C) that I wouldn’t just be saying them, I’d be yelling them.

Last week my good friend lent me a punching bag.  We filled the base with water and then, because it was just a temporary loan and because full of water it was oh-so heavy, we left it in the kitchen.

The whole family was enjoying the novelty of it and it wasn’t very long before Ivy and Clara discovered they could climb up on top of it. girls sitting on punching bagOnce they were up there it wasn’t very long before I saw Ivy infiltrate the last kid proof place in the house and the words:

“STOP CRAWLING ON TOP OF THE FRIDGE!!!”

came flying out of my mouth.

Jessie, thank you very much for the loan of the punching bag, I think we are ready to bring it back now!

Did I just say what I thought I said VII?

Let me just ask you something.

Have you ever looked at a young child while eating and thought, “Hmmm, you know what would be great? If that kid comes over here and smells my food by putting their nose directly on it. Yup, that’d make this meal just about perfect.”?
No, of course you haven’t.
Because nobody wants anybodies nose on their food.
Ever.
The End.

Clara the pirate says “Arrggh Mighty!”

But…
But.
But, we have this food smelling thing going on in our house.
You know, the thing where Clara can’t eat some kinds of food so she just sweetly asks to smell them and then it breaks everyone’s heart so everyone lets her smell her food anyway even though it’s rather odd.

That thing.

Well, now she’s becoming more demanding: “I smell it with my nose on it?”

(The answer to that, in case you were wondering is- NO.)

But, there are times when Clara doesn’t ask, and my food gets nose smelled before I get a say in the matter, which makes me less than happy.

And if a certain sweet girl happens to throw a giant fit over the fact that I will not let her smell anything else with her nose on it and I catch her in the act of nose smelling another of my food items anyway – that’s when it happens:

“YOU CAN ONLY PUT YOUR NOSE ON ONE THING OF MINE A DAY!”

Yup.

That’s me, raising children one ridiculous edict at a time.

Did I Just Say What I Thought I Said VI?

It’s been just over a month since the last edition of “Did I Just Say What I Thought I Said?” I think we are making progress. Not only has it been weeks since I’ve caught myself telling the children ridiculous things but I didn’t even yell it this time. When Clara marched in the house followed by a helplessly giggling Ivy, pulled down her pants and undies to show me the results of their mulberry picking. I didn’t yell. I just told Clara that she really need to:

“Take the mulberries out of your underwear!”

While the question of why she put mulberries in her underwear may never be satisfactorily answered. I find it equally disturbing that the thought crossed my mind that at least she was wearing the underwear. That’s right, mulberry filled underwear is actually an improvement from Clara’s usual completely naked state.

Father's Day with Great Gramps

She sheds her clothes when they get wet, when she gets hot, when she takes a nap, when she goes to bed, when they get food on them, when they get “too stinky,” when they get paint on them, and when they get cut “accidentally” with scissors… and that was just today.

Basically Clara spends 85% of her time running around naked. Unfortunately she also spends 25% of her time falling down and hurting herself. This means that her body is currently 75% covered in bruises, bumps and scrapes that would have been at least partially eliminated if the kid would just keep some underwear on.  Today we had yet another conversation about how if she had been wearing clothes when she fell down the stairs she wouldn’t have gotten scratches on her butt . Yet at least one outfit later into the day she was naked again as she tripped back up the stairs and added a few more scrapes to her collection.

Admittedly I’ve mostly given up the fight at home and just strive to keep Clara’s clothes on in public( Which is a full time job in itself. Have you ever shoved a dress back on a screaming girl at the library (it was wet), while holding a baby and checking out books?) and I have faith that one day she’ll put some clothes on in the morning and leave them there for the rest of the day.

One day she’ll believe me when I mention yet again that clothes would have saved her a bit of pain.

One day I won’t have to run back in the house for underwear because she’s trying to go to the grocery store in nothing but a short dress.

One day I won’t have to constantly enforce the, “No eating without underwear!” rule.

One day she’ll figure out that it’s better to keep your clothes on.

One day…

On the other hand Ivy with her advanced years is a quick study. She only hid in the stinging nettles once this morning before coming inside and informing me that that is NOT a good idea.  I’m certain Ivy is very glad she learned to keep her clothes on before she learned about hiding in the nettles!

Did I Just Say What I Thought I Said? V

Today’s edition of “Did I Just Say What I Thought I Said?” was an unfortunate choice of words on my part, in that I was proven wrong as the words were coming out of my mouth.

“WE DON’T PEE IN DOG BOWLS!”

Apparently some members of the family do indeed pee in dog bowls.

I shall be working on both my grammar and toilet training this afternoon, emphasis on the toilet.

Did I Just Say What I Thought I Said? III

Most recently in exclamations that shouldn’t have to be exclaimed we have:

“DON’T LAY ON THE DUCKS!”

Ducks today after thunderstorm, look at all the green and budding trees!

The biggest difference in today’s edition is that this was not yelled at a kid.

It was yelled at the dog.

A certain brown and white spotted dog who is endeavoring to be perfect but keeps doing things like laying on ducks which is preventing him from achieving that golden pedestal at the moment.

Trip and the ducks (in particular the two in the front of the photo) have been playing since he was a puppy.

Trip playing with ducks last November.

(Yes, my hunting dog plays with the domestic waterfowl. Why don’t you  just go ahead and get all those snotty comments out of your system now, I know you want to.)

When Trip was a puppy they would chase each other around the yard and every now and then he’d manage to jump on one and wrestle with it puppy style before it would escape and waddle away, only to come running back to tweak his tail.

Now they still run and chase but I’m a bit more worried about duck damage. Trip jumps on a duck, lays down on top of it to hold it still and then “gently” chews on his victim, er, playmate.

Which is how I found myself in the yard yelling, “DON’T LAY ON THE DUCKS!”

Not exactly the concise sort of command a dog trainer recommends, but it works fine.

Must be something about the tone of my voice…

Did I Just Say What I Thought I Said? II

In today’s edition of “Did I Just Say What I Thought I Said?” we have a phrase which, in addition to being one of those things that:

A) shouldn’t have to be said in the first place,

B) shouldn’t have to be said by me and

C) that yelling out an open window of the house does not at all improve,

it also, sadly, is something we have addressed before.

NOOOO!!!!

Don’t poop in the yard!!!

The worst part of this is, of course, the aftermath.

Moving the perpetrator (or should I say poopetrator?) to the toilet.

Yard clean up.

The lengthy explanation to answer the ever present “WHY?” question.

My explanation was going so well I was starting to worry that Clara was never going to poop outside again. Which, given that I would like to take them camping, might not be great thing for the long run. So we talked about acceptable times and places to poop outdoors.

Finally a poop free girl headed back outside with Ivy as they walked through the door I heard:

“Me poop outside in hole. Me go do that.”

Now I’m sorta worried about the sandbox.