m.o.t.h.e.r.h.o.o.d.

Did you know motherhood actually stands for Millions Of Terrible Horrendous Evils Roused Her Out Of Dozing?

Previous to children, I would say my worst waking up experience was when my Dad slowly dripped cold water on the face of my morning hating, teenage self. And, sadly, I deserved it.

Then motherhood happened – it turns out that’s not even close to the worst way to be woken up.

Here are just five of the millions of terrible horrendous evils that will wake you up that I have discovered since becoming a mother:

1) The sound of a crying child anytime within the first hour of sleep. (Things in the Night)

2) The movement of the sleep crawling baby that’s about to dive off the end of the bed. (The Disease Part III The Sleep Crawler)

3) Having a small child gently touch your face. It sounds innocent, it’s not. (Nnnn…ummm… OK.)

4) A small child’s finger stuffed up your nostril.  (This is the most terrible way to wake up ever. Ever. But when Jane did it to Ivy in the car I about died laughing.  I might be a terrible person.)

5) The words: “MOM THE FREEZE POPS AREN’T FROZEN ANYMORE!!!” ( Just Imagine)

Recently I learned a new terrible phrase to wake up to.

The new horrendous phrase was delivered by Clara in an irritatingly cheerful voice:

“Mom, you’re going to be disappointed you have to clean this up.”

It was a phrase so evil in it’s possibilities that it panicked even my still asleep brain. So, while flashing through the many terrible scenarios that might be awaiting me, I clawed my way to consciousness while mumbling, “Whaaat?”

Clara answered me with a smile: “I barfed in my bed. I was just petting Cassey and then she scampered away.”

I listened, deeply regretting the fact that John was already gone for the day and didn’t move. She wasn’t in the barf, the cat was smart enough to leave the area, nothing was going to get any worse than it was if I just didn’t move for two more minutes.

“Mom, why aren’t you getting up? Jane already put a blanket over it!”

I got up.

It didn’t help the day.

Later Clara accidentally almost killed the same cat, (we now know that we don’t tie ropes around our sisters’ necks OR the cats’ necks) Ivy came down with the virus the rest of us had that I thought we were done with and Jane went to bed with the cries of “I WANNA COOOKIE!” still ringing through the house.

Perhaps the day was the result of the universe getting even at me for laughing at Ivy, or perhaps it’s just m.o.t.h.e.r.h.o.o.d..

Thanks to Perfection Pending for hosting the Manic Mondays blog hop, click on the button below to see more or join in!

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21 comments on “m.o.t.h.e.r.h.o.o.d.

  1. Ah that’s what motherhood stand for! I think my worst wake up has to be being shaken awake by my toddler only to put my hand in the full potty she was proffering. :/

  2. Oh man! I should have known motherhood didn’t stand for love and peace and happiness! 😉 Sorry to hear that you were woken up by puking. THat is by far my #1 worst choice of ways to be woken up!! Thanks for linking up. I tweeted this out for you. 🙂

  3. Kari says:

    Here I thought the worst way to wake up was having Johnny put pigeons in your bed and ice cubes down your shirt, I think your story takes the cake!

  4. Oh man, my list of terrible ways to be woken up is unbelievable! One of which is the sound of the baby screaming down the hall because the monitor died at some point in the night. That may or may not have been my morning this morning. Great post.

  5. Katie Sal says:

    This is one of my favorite posts for several reasons. #1, you made motherhood an acronym. That’s something I would do and I appreciate that you do it too, and it is quite well-done! #2, just after I thought you were done sharing 5 of the worst ways to wake, you added a sixth! #3, your post stars Clara and her comments- always hilarious! #4, It’s such a relate-able topic! #5, reading it made me comment out loud!
    Thanks, Jessie.
    Katie 🙂

  6. thinkbigmuch says:

    I am struck not by your loathing of mornings (it’s a well-known fact), not by the fact your kid puked (people puke around me all. the. time), but by Clara’s choice of words. Clearly a child raised by a love & logic parent. I can imagine she’s been told similar words in regards to choosing to make a big mess. I second Katie Sal’s comment. Only Clara. One of the most hilariously serious children I know.

  7. OK, so I had a good laugh over this one. Great, can’t to see how I get woken up tomorrow, ‘cuz you know, karma.

  8. Corky says:

    These were hysterical….especially since I know how much you value your morning shuteye. These days I only get woken up by the sound of a dog retching in the hallway…..on the linoleum.

  9. You are reminding me about the joys of motherhood……many years ago. I love the memories but I equally love my adult kids now.

  10. bekasjournal says:

    I have son 11 years old, I love motherhood but I feel like kids take over your life…especially the most important part of it called sleep.

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