True To Nature

I have sweet, kind girls.

I also have kids and kids are by nature boundary pushers, button mashers and tiny manipulators.

My girls have discovered the wonders of youtube and all of the terrible trash that has been produced for kids that it contains.

I, like any good mother, use their smidgen of trash screen time to leverage as many chores out of them as possible before handing over a device.

They, like any kids worth their salt, do their best to wheedle and cajole and push for all their worth to see just how much extra time they can get.

Today my sweet girls found me in the kitchen and presented me with this:

For the record I’m pretty sure they intended to say that I am a person who draws rather than a drawer. However, I probably hold more of their stuff than I do draw things so maybe drawer is more accurate.

I, like any good mother, made admiring noises.

I, like any experienced mother, was touched and also suspicious.

And those sweet, kind, girls of mine, like any true, red blooded kids, waited no more than a half a heartbeat after I expressed my thanks before blurting out- “Can we watch more videos now?”

I have sweet, kind girls.

I also have kids and kids are by nature boundary pushers, button mashers and tiny manipulators.

Finding Things

Strange things happen when you become a mother.

Sometimes you start sounding exactly like your own mother. Sometimes you find yourself doing things you swore you’d never do (I mean other than sound exactly like your mother). And sometimes you find that you are the only person in your house that can find missing items.

This morning I was the only one that could find things in our house, specifically I was the only one who could find Jane’s jacket. It was, and I know this is weird, hanging in the closet where it was supposed to be. Jane couldn’t find it. After many rounds of the game called “Did you check?” ” Are you sure?” she finally looked in the closet again, and found her jacket.

Dramatic recreation for your benefit. As you can see her pink lined leopard spotted jacket is quite easy to see, if she couldn't have found her shoes in that avalanche waiting to happen on the bottom that would have been a different story.

Dramatic recreation for your benefit. As you can see her pink lined, leopard spotted jacket is quite visible. If she couldn’t have found her shoes in that avalanche waiting to happen on the bottom that would have been a different story…

Laughing she came over and explained the whole phenomenon to me.

“You know that thing that happens when you can’t find something and that blur thing gets in your eye so you can’t see the one thing you were looking for even though it’s right there? That’s what happened.”

I can’t help you out with why you may sound like your mother and the choices that you make once you have children, but there you have it straight from Jane the mystery of why only mothers can find things.

It’s a Blur Thing problem.

Wishes

Today Jane said that the two of us should each make a wish.

She wished to be a fairy-princess-mermaid.

I wished for a nap.

She was quite disappointed in me.

I understood. I was too.

Unfortunately, I’ve found one of the great truths of motherhood to be that more sleep is actually your dearest wish.zinnias

And, sadly, neither one of our wishes came true today.

It’s okay though, Jane says we can wish again tomorrow.

 

Grumpy Fairy

When I am well and truly grumpy it is, unfortunately, obvious.

If the smoke coming out of my ears doesn’t clue you in, you can always listen for overly stomp-y footfalls or the slamming of cupboard doors. As if that’s not enough, I also turn into a yell-er.  And not just any yell-er,  oh no, I turn into my mother. I yell at people (and, yes, by “people” I mean my kids) with the same horridly ineffective, high pitched, squeaky voice that I always used to laugh at.

Even by sight I look grumpy, more disheveled than normal, (probably from the stomping and the slamming) and my arms have a tendency to wave and flail about when I talk (to further ineffectively accentuate the squeaks) and my face is not a welcoming one.

When Jane is well and truly grumpy she turns quiet, becomes fairly unapproachable and looks like this:

Grumpy Jane Fairy

 

Maybe I need fairy wings?

Guide to a Sleeping Mother – Addendum

I’m very sorry children.

If, in the last week, you have lost life, limb or been sentenced to an eternity of floor mopping, you have my apologies.

I forgot.

I forgot the thing above all other things you must never do to a sleeping mother.

Do not ever touch her face!

I learned this lesson myself the day I tapped my mom’s forehead to wake her up.

It is true that tapping her head work her up.Still Sleeping

It’s also true that to this day she yells at me for the time I woke her up by tapping her forehead.

Children.

Do not tap.

Do not gently pat.

Do not set paper snowflakes on eyelids

Do not, under any circumstances, lightly brush your fingers over her lips or eyes.

And, most importantly,

Never. Ever. Put your finger up her nose.

Ever.

Just don’t.

I can not guarantee your safety if any of these things are done to a soundly sleeping mother.

Apologies again for the late warning. I’m pretty sure that had I gotten just five more minutes of sleep last week, I would have remembered to tell you.

P.S. You should thank Jane for “reminding” me of the horror that is sleeping face touching, because heaven knows I didn’t.

In case you missed it here is last weeks Guide to a Sleeping Mother.

 

Guide to a Sleeping Mother

Pay attention children.  It seems that many of you are unsure how to act around sleeping mothers. Today, for you, I have outlined just exactly what to do when you encounter a sleeping mother.

First we have identification.

If the mother is in bed under the covers with her eyes closed, this is called sleeping. It is unnecessary to call her name multiple times. If she’s not sleeping, she wants to be sleeping and should be treated as if she is.sleeping

It should be noted that sleeping mothers do not need things.

They are sleeping.

All they need is at least five more minutes of sleep.

Extra blankets, toys, and books are unnecessary.

Hugs are nice but will actually be appreciated later in the day and if snuggling with your mother means stealing both covers and pillow, skip it.

Tea, however, may always be quietly left by the bedside.

This:Still Sleeping

is not an awake mother.

This is a mother who has been badgered long enough that she has opened one eye to confirm which child will be scrubbing the toilet for the rest of the month.

Do not continue talking.

Under no circumstances should you demand anything.

In fact, unless you or someone you know is actively bleeding or something is on fire, drop off a cup of black, highly caffeinated tea and back quietly away.

No doubt after your considerate tea donation she will roll out of bed on her own.  And once she is standing upright beyond the confines of her bedroom you may start your day of demands.

Now children, read, memorize and say thank you. This information could save your life, or at very least prevent a few extra toilet scrubbings.