The Missing Candy

I always knew that being a parent meant getting woken up in the middle of the night.

However, I was completely unprepared for the variety of things that would cause my children to think “Hey look, it’s 3:55 AM, I better go tell mom all about this – right now!”

Last night Jane showed up at the side of our bed at, you guessed it, 3:55 AM.

She was very upset.

This is not unusual. Most children who arrive in the middle of the night in the pitch black are upset. What was unusual was that she was upset about her candy.

That’s right, Jane woke me up just before 4 AM to tell me that her candy was missing.

Apparently, her secret stash of candy (which never should have been in her room in the first place) was missing, it was probably Goose’s fault and what was I going to do about it.

My intelligent response to this was, “Urgh. Murble. Rummppfff.”

Jane was unimpressed so she repeated her tale louder and more insistently which woke me up enough that I replied with an ever more intelligent, “How about you come snuggle with me.”

Which she did as she continued to talk about her candy. Finally after listening to her candy dilemma for six hours, (or maybe six seconds, it’s hard to tell…I’m not at my best at 3:55 AM)  I harshly yelled at her to be quiet because it was the middle of the night and why was she even talking about candy?!?

Then she cried, fell asleep, hogged the bed, messed up the covers and was a giant pain right smack dab in the middle of John and I for the rest of the night.

This morning the first thing she did was run to inspect her candy stash. Admittedly I rolled my eyes when she started in talking about it again.  I thought that this had all been a bad dream, maybe her dream, maybe mine, maybe we both had a bad dream but I didn’t think it was real because…

Who would inspect their secret candy stash at 3:55 AM?!?

But it was true. Her secret candy stash was missing and all she could find was a chewed on sucker stick with the wrapper still clinging to it.  She was crushed.

I told her to hurry up and put her clothes on before she was late for school.

Moral of the Story: Mom’s have no sympathy when breaking the rules backfires on you.

Other Moral of the Story: Never underestimate the power of children to disrupt your sleep. 



Mom Ears

I lost my mom ears.

You know, the super sonic hearing ears that let you know every time your child rolls over, coughs or calls out your name.

They broke.

It’s the best thing that’s happened to me in years. Now instead of me jumping out of bed when kids cry or make other random noises in the night, John does. I don’t hear a thing, he has to tell me about it in the morning.

It. Is. Amazing.

I think this is what he felt like all those nights I was up nursing kids and banishing boogey men. (And yes, I nursed those girls, we have YEARS to go before John is even close to catching up with late night waking hours.)

There is one problem though. Since I don’t hear the girls I don’t know they are coming until they show up next to the bed. John can attest from his years on the night shift that when I wake up with someone next to the bed, I scream. For years I woke up to John saying “It’s John! It’s John! It’s John!” until I turned my siren off.

Clara recently got a new blanket, a zebra blanket. It’s soft and fuzzy and has a “hood” on it with a stuffed zebra head she can pull over her own. She loves it. Clara wears it around the house while getting ready for school and sleeps with it every night. It is her new favorite thing.

This was not staged. This is just what she looked like when I went to check on her tonight!

So, when Clara came down to our bed in the middle of the night, I didn’t hear her coming. I didn’t notice her standing next to the bed. In fact I didn’t register her presence at all until a zebra was climbing into my bed and it’s big black zebra nose touched my face.


1) I really hate it when things touch my face when I’m sleeping.

2) Zebras are more startling than small children.

3) Screaming in a panicked fashion in your child’s face does not make them feel better.

I lost my mom ears. It’s pretty amazing but I do feel a bit bad for the kids.




Today Jane said that the two of us should each make a wish.

She wished to be a fairy-princess-mermaid.

I wished for a nap.

She was quite disappointed in me.

I understood. I was too.

Unfortunately, I’ve found one of the great truths of motherhood to be that more sleep is actually your dearest wish.zinnias

And, sadly, neither one of our wishes came true today.

It’s okay though, Jane says we can wish again tomorrow.


Guide to a Sleeping Mother – Addendum

I’m very sorry children.

If, in the last week, you have lost life, limb or been sentenced to an eternity of floor mopping, you have my apologies.

I forgot.

I forgot the thing above all other things you must never do to a sleeping mother.

Do not ever touch her face!

I learned this lesson myself the day I tapped my mom’s forehead to wake her up.

It is true that tapping her head work her up.Still Sleeping

It’s also true that to this day she yells at me for the time I woke her up by tapping her forehead.


Do not tap.

Do not gently pat.

Do not set paper snowflakes on eyelids

Do not, under any circumstances, lightly brush your fingers over her lips or eyes.

And, most importantly,

Never. Ever. Put your finger up her nose.


Just don’t.

I can not guarantee your safety if any of these things are done to a soundly sleeping mother.

Apologies again for the late warning. I’m pretty sure that had I gotten just five more minutes of sleep last week, I would have remembered to tell you.

P.S. You should thank Jane for “reminding” me of the horror that is sleeping face touching, because heaven knows I didn’t.

In case you missed it here is last weeks Guide to a Sleeping Mother.


Guide to a Sleeping Mother

Pay attention children.  It seems that many of you are unsure how to act around sleeping mothers. Today, for you, I have outlined just exactly what to do when you encounter a sleeping mother.

First we have identification.

If the mother is in bed under the covers with her eyes closed, this is called sleeping. It is unnecessary to call her name multiple times. If she’s not sleeping, she wants to be sleeping and should be treated as if she is.sleeping

It should be noted that sleeping mothers do not need things.

They are sleeping.

All they need is at least five more minutes of sleep.

Extra blankets, toys, and books are unnecessary.

Hugs are nice but will actually be appreciated later in the day and if snuggling with your mother means stealing both covers and pillow, skip it.

Tea, however, may always be quietly left by the bedside.

This:Still Sleeping

is not an awake mother.

This is a mother who has been badgered long enough that she has opened one eye to confirm which child will be scrubbing the toilet for the rest of the month.

Do not continue talking.

Under no circumstances should you demand anything.

In fact, unless you or someone you know is actively bleeding or something is on fire, drop off a cup of black, highly caffeinated tea and back quietly away.

No doubt after your considerate tea donation she will roll out of bed on her own.  And once she is standing upright beyond the confines of her bedroom you may start your day of demands.

Now children, read, memorize and say thank you. This information could save your life, or at very least prevent a few extra toilet scrubbings.