A Cup of Tea

If you wake up a mom, she’s going to want a cup of tea.

While her water is heating, she’ll get herself some yogurt.

But, a kid will see her yogurt and want it. So she’ll give it to them.

Feeding a kid will remind her that she needs to check on the baby ducks. So she’ll leave the dad in charge of breakfast and go outside.

Once she checks on the baby ducks, she’ll decide to do the rest of the chores.

After she does the chores, she’ll run the dogs and water the plants.

Then she’ll come inside and remember her tea. She’ll take the warm water out of the microwave and put in a tea bag.

While her tea steeps, she’ll clean up the kitchen.

Cleaning up the kitchen will remind her that she needs to change the laundry.

When she piles the clean laundry on her bed she’ll pass by the bathroom.

That will remind her that she needs to brush her teeth.

Brushing her teeth will remind her that she still hasn’t eaten her breakfast, so she’ll head back to the kitchen.

Her kids will be off playing so she’ll take her yogurt to the computer and check her e-mail.

Checking her e-mail will magically alert the kids to her presence and they will all come crying about the rampant social injustice within her household.

Crying kids will make her grumpy, and when she’s grumpy, (and tired) she’s going to want a cup of tea.

But when she goes in the kitchen to get it…

… it’ll be cold.

This is not always how it goes. Many days John makes my tea and thrusts it in front of me somewhere in the middle of this progression – he’s a good man!

Once Upon A Monday

Jun9

Once upon a Monday, a lady was going to do things.

They were going to be real, adult things that involved leaving the house and seeing people.

Ivy and Clara butterfly faces and "planies"

Once upon a Monday a lady was stuck at home. So she went into her garden to admire her flowers…

There were plans.

It was exciting.

There she found two butterflies flitting about…

Then the reality of life with three young girls came and smacked her upside the head and she instead played Barbies at a car repair center.

They were remarkably cute and well behaved and so the lady spent an enjoyable afternoon following them from flower to flower while taking pictures.

The End.

Twenty Pounds of Asparagus

Jun3

I’ve heard it said that you have to try something at least ten times before you can truly decide if you like it. Therefore, as parents, we should just continue to offer new foods to our kids and eventually, after trying it enough, they may like it.

I’m not buying it.

In my experience, kids predetermine if they like things based on color, texture, smell and what their siblings say. It doesn’t matter how many times they try it, if it’s green, or slimy or the older sister says it’s gross, nobody likes it. Case in point, asparagus.

John is a huge asparagus fan. So much so that when road construction started on his asparagus guy’s road, making it inconvenient to drive by and see if he had any available, John stopped in and got his phone number. Now we can call ahead for all our asparagus needs.

John also is the kind of person who will buy much more of something than he was planning on because it’s such a good deal. Marketers must love him. So I was shocked but not surprised when he called me in great excitement to tell me he bought twenty pounds of asparagus.

Yes, I said twenty.

It was a good deal.

I had been out of town for the weekend and was happy to see that by the time I returned home we were merely left with about ten pounds. That giant bag only took up one shelf of the spare fridge.

In the last week, we’ve had grilled asparagus, and broiled asparagus, and asparagus pasta skillets, and asparagus pizza and asparagus soup. If cooking was happening the asparagus was in it.

Now, when it comes to the kid eating it, even my pathetic math can figure that with twenty pounds of asparagus, the kids would have to try a bit once every two pounds that crossed the table to make it to the mythical “ten tries”. And that’s assuming that they had never tried it before, which of course they have because John has the asparagus guy’s name and number taped to the fridge. Every meal the kids would dutifully try it, reject it, and painstakingly pick it out of the rest of their food. Every day I found myself feeding piles of asparagus shinnbles to my chickens.

Ten tries, my assparagus!

My chickens should work on upping egg production this week. After all John could use a little thank you for the five pounds of nice fresh asparagus he bought them!

Empty Threats

Apr14

After threatening to stay up all night if one of her sisters couldn’t sleep with her in her room, Ivy then told me that I had to let her get up and color or she wouldn’t be able to stay up all night.

Nice try girl.

Nice try.

In other news: Jane told me she couldn’t go to sleep because the trees were cold.

Then Jane told me she desperately needed yet another sip of water for her parched throat that was possibly, but not likely, dry from the enormous amount of talking and yelling she had been doing or there would be no way she could ever fall asleep. Or at least I’m sure that’s what, when translated out of two year old speak, she was attempting to convey.

I said, “No.”

I said, “You’ve already had enough water.”

I said, “You have to go to sleep now!”

Then she whined and complained and got out of bed and caused general havoc while making noises at decibels that were without a doubt contributing to the aforementioned parched throat as well as threatening to wake her siblings.

I said, “OK! FINE! I’m getting the water.”

*sigh*

Nice try Mom.

Nice try.

m.o.t.h.e.r.h.o.o.d.

Mar17

Did you know motherhood actually stands for Millions Of Terrible Horrendous Evils Roused Her Out Of Dozing?

Previous to children, I would say my worst waking up experience was when my Dad slowly dripped cold water on the face of my morning hating, teenage self. And, sadly, I deserved it.

Then motherhood happened – it turns out that’s not even close to the worst way to be woken up.

Here are just five of the millions of terrible horrendous evils that will wake you up that I have discovered since becoming a mother:

1) The sound of a crying child anytime within the first hour of sleep. (Things in the Night)

2) The movement of the sleep crawling baby that’s about to dive off the end of the bed. (The Disease Part III The Sleep Crawler)

3) Having a small child gently touch your face. It sounds innocent, it’s not. (Nnnn…ummm… OK.)

4) A small child’s finger stuffed up your nostril. (This is the most terrible way to wake up ever. Ever. But when Jane did it to Ivy in the car I about died laughing. I might be a terrible person.)

5) The words: “MOM THE FREEZE POPS AREN’T FROZEN ANYMORE!!!” ( Just Imagine)

Recently I learned a new terrible phrase to wake up to.

The new horrendous phrase was delivered by Clara in an irritatingly cheerful voice:

“Mom, you’re going to be disappointed you have to clean this up.”

It was a phrase so evil in it’s possibilities that it panicked even my still asleep brain. So, while flashing through the many terrible scenarios that might be awaiting me, I clawed my way to consciousness while mumbling, “Whaaat?”

Clara answered me with a smile: “I barfed in my bed. I was just petting Cassey and then she scampered away.”

I listened, deeply regretting the fact that John was already gone for the day and didn’t move. She wasn’t in the barf, the cat was smart enough to leave the area, nothing was going to get any worse than it was if I just didn’t move for two more minutes.

“Mom, why aren’t you getting up? Jane already put a blanket over it!”

I got up.

It didn’t help the day.

Later Clara accidentally almost killed the same cat, (we now know that we don’t tie ropes around our sisters’ necks OR the cats’ necks) Ivy came down with the virus the rest of us had that I thought we were done with and Jane went to bed with the cries of “I WANNA COOOKIE!” still ringing through the house.

Perhaps the day was the result of the universe getting even at me for laughing at Ivy, or perhaps it’s just m.o.t.h.e.r.h.o.o.d..

Thanks to Perfection Pending for hosting the Manic Mondays blog hop, click on the button below to see more or join in!