Since this is likely to be the post that has you all backing away slowly through the blogosphere trying to put as much distance between yourself and the crazy, cranky lady as you can manage I’d like to thank you all now for being such friendly, loyal readers. But perhaps there is someone out there who also hates cheerful messages so, forgive me if you can, I’m just going to dive right in.

I hate inspirational messages printed in unlikely places.

My tea bags for instance. When my tea tells me” savor,” “be good to yourself,” “relax” I feel my eyes start to roll in my head. I find it to be the equivalent of someone asking me how I’m doing yet not actually caring about the answer – but worse. For instance, the lady at the checkout. I find it unlikely that she cares about how any of us are actually doing today. It’s just polite conversation. If that same checkout lady instead spewed random, cheesy sayings I’d not only think she was a bit wacko but I’d be mildly irritated. I would find it difficult to believe that when she advised everyone to “Be true to yourself.” that it was anything more than a nice sounding bit of fluff to end a conversation with. I’d also be annoyed that she felt qualified to comment on my life (because, yes, I am just that crabby). Perhaps, since it was an actual, real life person, after I rolled my eyes it would make me smile. More likely I’d finish my eye roll on the way out the door as I moved on.

If it was a person.

When my tea bag tells me “peace” it isn’t someone who looked at me and thought I might need a nice inspirational message to help me through my day. It’s not even a person being polite. No, it is a tea bag. A tiny piece of paper printed by a machine and inscribed with sappy messages because of some sort of marketing campaign.

I’m not feeling the “love.”

That said, the irritation that my tea has brought me this week has nothing on the chocolate.

We almost always have a bag of dark chocolate in the house. Those little individual wrapped pieces that are just perfect for popping in your mouth when you think perhaps it might be a good idea to either scream obscenities or eat your own offspring.  The chocolate gums up your mouth stops you from saying something you’ll regret later and with a moments break common sense can rule again. Our current bag has little “love notes” written inside the wrapper. “Sleep late tomorrow.” my chocolate advised me today.

I’m sorry is there a prize at the bottom of the bag I didn’t know about? A nanny perhaps? Because without one how will I ever take such wonderful advice? WHY ARE YOU TEASING ME CHOCOLATE?

So I eat another one. I eat another one, mind you, not because I’m calmly sitting and enjoying my afternoon with a cup of overly cheerful tea and a book. No I’m eating another one because I’m taking a moment to lower my blood pressure before diving into the fray of my three kids all of whom are in some stage of upset  The cat has thrown up on the rug, the dogs are scratching at the door wanting in and my chocolate has just pointed out the fact that I will be waking up early to start it all over again. And this wrapper. This wrapper tells me to “Love every moment.”

The way I look at it is thus. Yes, I have beautiful, healthy children who are growing up fast – thank God. You know how people say women forget the pain and the details of childbirth in the euphoric glow of their new baby? I remember childbirth, it was great. However the hours between two and three this afternoon I’m hoping my brain selectively deletes in favor of the wonderful time we all had just before bed.

There are many moments of life to love. I refuse to believe I have to love them all, no matter what my chocolate tells me.