Did you know motherhood actually stands for Millions Of Terrible Horrendous Evils Roused Her Out Of Dozing?
Previous to children, I would say my worst waking up experience was when my Dad slowly dripped cold water on the face of my morning hating, teenage self. And, sadly, I deserved it.
Then motherhood happened – it turns out that’s not even close to the worst way to be woken up.
Here are just five of the millions of terrible horrendous evils that will wake you up that I have discovered since becoming a mother:
1) The sound of a crying child anytime within the first hour of sleep. (Things in the Night)
2) The movement of the sleep crawling baby that’s about to dive off the end of the bed. (The Disease Part III The Sleep Crawler)
3) Having a small child gently touch your face. It sounds innocent, it’s not. (Nnnn…ummm… OK.)
4) A small child’s finger stuffed up your nostril. (This is the most terrible way to wake up ever. Ever. But when Jane did it to Ivy in the car I about died laughing. I might be a terrible person.)
5) The words: “MOM THE FREEZE POPS AREN’T FROZEN ANYMORE!!!” ( Just Imagine)
Recently I learned a new terrible phrase to wake up to.
The new horrendous phrase was delivered by Clara in an irritatingly cheerful voice:
“Mom, you’re going to be disappointed you have to clean this up.”
It was a phrase so evil in it’s possibilities that it panicked even my still asleep brain. So, while flashing through the many terrible scenarios that might be awaiting me, I clawed my way to consciousness while mumbling, “Whaaat?”
Clara answered me with a smile: “I barfed in my bed. I was just petting Cassey and then she scampered away.”
I listened, deeply regretting the fact that John was already gone for the day and didn’t move. She wasn’t in the barf, the cat was smart enough to leave the area, nothing was going to get any worse than it was if I just didn’t move for two more minutes.
“Mom, why aren’t you getting up? Jane already put a blanket over it!”
I got up.
It didn’t help the day.
Later Clara accidentally almost killed the same cat, (we now know that we don’t tie ropes around our sisters’ necks OR the cats’ necks) Ivy came down with the virus the rest of us had that I thought we were done with and Jane went to bed with the cries of “I WANNA COOOKIE!” still ringing through the house.
Perhaps the day was the result of the universe getting even at me for laughing at Ivy, or perhaps it’s just m.o.t.h.e.r.h.o.o.d..
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