Guide to a Sleeping Mother – Addendum

I’m very sorry children.

If, in the last week, you have lost life, limb or been sentenced to an eternity of floor mopping, you have my apologies.

I forgot.

I forgot the thing above all other things you must never do to a sleeping mother.

Do not ever touch her face!

I learned this lesson myself the day I tapped my mom’s forehead to wake her up.

It is true that tapping her head work her up.Still Sleeping

It’s also true that to this day she yells at me for the time I woke her up by tapping her forehead.


Do not tap.

Do not gently pat.

Do not set paper snowflakes on eyelids

Do not, under any circumstances, lightly brush your fingers over her lips or eyes.

And, most importantly,

Never. Ever. Put your finger up her nose.


Just don’t.

I can not guarantee your safety if any of these things are done to a soundly sleeping mother.

Apologies again for the late warning. I’m pretty sure that had I gotten just five more minutes of sleep last week, I would have remembered to tell you.

P.S. You should thank Jane for “reminding” me of the horror that is sleeping face touching, because heaven knows I didn’t.

In case you missed it here is last weeks Guide to a Sleeping Mother.


Guide to a Sleeping Mother

Pay attention children.  It seems that many of you are unsure how to act around sleeping mothers. Today, for you, I have outlined just exactly what to do when you encounter a sleeping mother.

First we have identification.

If the mother is in bed under the covers with her eyes closed, this is called sleeping. It is unnecessary to call her name multiple times. If she’s not sleeping, she wants to be sleeping and should be treated as if she is.sleeping

It should be noted that sleeping mothers do not need things.

They are sleeping.

All they need is at least five more minutes of sleep.

Extra blankets, toys, and books are unnecessary.

Hugs are nice but will actually be appreciated later in the day and if snuggling with your mother means stealing both covers and pillow, skip it.

Tea, however, may always be quietly left by the bedside.

This:Still Sleeping

is not an awake mother.

This is a mother who has been badgered long enough that she has opened one eye to confirm which child will be scrubbing the toilet for the rest of the month.

Do not continue talking.

Under no circumstances should you demand anything.

In fact, unless you or someone you know is actively bleeding or something is on fire, drop off a cup of black, highly caffeinated tea and back quietly away.

No doubt after your considerate tea donation she will roll out of bed on her own.  And once she is standing upright beyond the confines of her bedroom you may start your day of demands.

Now children, read, memorize and say thank you. This information could save your life, or at very least prevent a few extra toilet scrubbings.


Three Treasures

I am a temporary, treasure repository.

At the end of the day my pockets are filled with treasure, the front of the car has extras handed up from the back and the kitchen counter has a collection of interesting things.

Some days, I get pretty rocks and precious toys.

Other days, I get small handfuls of vomit and bits of garbage.

These are the three best treasures I was given today.

An egg. chicken egg

Jane collected the eggs today and I caught her rolling the warm smoothness of them across her cheeks. Then she handed them to me with them same enthusiasm she does every morning that she gets to pluck them from their nests.

The molted shell of a cicada.molted cicada shell

Ivy and Clara found this in their favorite climbing tree. As they hauled me out of the house to see and take custody of it, they were so giddy with excitement you never would have guessed they had found one in a similar spot the day before.

And a small duck feather

Another find of Jane’s, she had me hold it in my pocket and randomly requested it back throughout the day.

She looked at that feather with wonder and excitement every time I gave it back to her.

It was good day to hold the treasures.


Motherhood, A Frighteningly Forgetful State

In my experience when you become a mother, especially after you have become a mother three times over, you forget things.

And by things, I mean everything.

I forget to eat breakfast.

Each time I leave the house I forget my wallet, my sunglasses or my car keys.

Sometimes I forget all three.

Last week I had to jump out of the truck and go back to the house for my forgotten jacket. It was 3° … Fahrenheit.

I have found that it is annoying to forget kids shoes when you go to the grocery store but a serious inconvenience to forget your own.

I discovered that not only is it both annoying and a serious inconvenience, it is also embarrassing and possibly unsafe, to forget your kids snow gear when you travel north for the holidays.

I forget meals and dishes, laundry in the washing machine and to take my contacts out. I forget to call people, cut the low hanging branch over the sidewalk, find a dustpan for the garage, clean out the truck and which kids is named what. I forget to paint my toes, where I left my shoes, what I did with my tea and to sign Ivy’s schoolwork.

To date I haven’t yet forgotten that I have children but at the rate I’m going I figure it’s only a matter of time. Preparing for the worst I have come up with a test in case I ever become confused on the subject.

It’s very simple, if you are a mother and can’t remember if you have kids or where they might be, take a nap.

That’s right, find a blanket, lay down on a couch in front of a fire and fall asleep. attempted couch nap

Guaranteed reminder of your current motherhood status.

And yes, Clara was just about a sick and she looks, I was just as tired as I appear and Jane was being just as mischievous as her smile makes her out to be!



Did you know motherhood actually stands for Millions Of Terrible Horrendous Evils Roused Her Out Of Dozing?

Previous to children, I would say my worst waking up experience was when my Dad slowly dripped cold water on the face of my morning hating, teenage self. And, sadly, I deserved it.

Then motherhood happened – it turns out that’s not even close to the worst way to be woken up.

Here are just five of the millions of terrible horrendous evils that will wake you up that I have discovered since becoming a mother:

1) The sound of a crying child anytime within the first hour of sleep. (Things in the Night)

2) The movement of the sleep crawling baby that’s about to dive off the end of the bed. (The Disease Part III The Sleep Crawler)

3) Having a small child gently touch your face. It sounds innocent, it’s not. (Nnnn…ummm… OK.)

4) A small child’s finger stuffed up your nostril.  (This is the most terrible way to wake up ever. Ever. But when Jane did it to Ivy in the car I about died laughing.  I might be a terrible person.)

5) The words: “MOM THE FREEZE POPS AREN’T FROZEN ANYMORE!!!” ( Just Imagine)

Recently I learned a new terrible phrase to wake up to.

The new horrendous phrase was delivered by Clara in an irritatingly cheerful voice:

“Mom, you’re going to be disappointed you have to clean this up.”

It was a phrase so evil in it’s possibilities that it panicked even my still asleep brain. So, while flashing through the many terrible scenarios that might be awaiting me, I clawed my way to consciousness while mumbling, “Whaaat?”

Clara answered me with a smile: “I barfed in my bed. I was just petting Cassey and then she scampered away.”

I listened, deeply regretting the fact that John was already gone for the day and didn’t move. She wasn’t in the barf, the cat was smart enough to leave the area, nothing was going to get any worse than it was if I just didn’t move for two more minutes.

“Mom, why aren’t you getting up? Jane already put a blanket over it!”

I got up.

It didn’t help the day.

Later Clara accidentally almost killed the same cat, (we now know that we don’t tie ropes around our sisters’ necks OR the cats’ necks) Ivy came down with the virus the rest of us had that I thought we were done with and Jane went to bed with the cries of “I WANNA COOOKIE!” still ringing through the house.

Perhaps the day was the result of the universe getting even at me for laughing at Ivy, or perhaps it’s just m.o.t.h.e.r.h.o.o.d..

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