m.o.t.h.e.r.h.o.o.d.

Did you know motherhood actually stands for Millions Of Terrible Horrendous Evils Roused Her Out Of Dozing?

Previous to children, I would say my worst waking up experience was when my Dad slowly dripped cold water on the face of my morning hating, teenage self. And, sadly, I deserved it.

Then motherhood happened – it turns out that’s not even close to the worst way to be woken up.

Here are just five of the millions of terrible horrendous evils that will wake you up that I have discovered since becoming a mother:

1) The sound of a crying child anytime within the first hour of sleep. (Things in the Night)

2) The movement of the sleep crawling baby that’s about to dive off the end of the bed. (The Disease Part III The Sleep Crawler)

3) Having a small child gently touch your face. It sounds innocent, it’s not. (Nnnn…ummm… OK.)

4) A small child’s finger stuffed up your nostril. (This is the most terrible way to wake up ever. Ever. But when Jane did it to Ivy in the car I about died laughing. I might be a terrible person.)

5) The words: “MOM THE FREEZE POPS AREN’T FROZEN ANYMORE!!!” ( Just Imagine)

Recently I learned a new terrible phrase to wake up to.

The new horrendous phrase was delivered by Clara in an irritatingly cheerful voice:

“Mom, you’re going to be disappointed you have to clean this up.”

It was a phrase so evil in it’s possibilities that it panicked even my still asleep brain. So, while flashing through the many terrible scenarios that might be awaiting me, I clawed my way to consciousness while mumbling, “Whaaat?”

Clara answered me with a smile: “I barfed in my bed. I was just petting Cassey and then she scampered away.”

I listened, deeply regretting the fact that John was already gone for the day and didn’t move. She wasn’t in the barf, the cat was smart enough to leave the area, nothing was going to get any worse than it was if I just didn’t move for two more minutes.

“Mom, why aren’t you getting up? Jane already put a blanket over it!”

I got up.

It didn’t help the day.

Later Clara accidentally almost killed the same cat, (we now know that we don’t tie ropes around our sisters’ necks OR the cats’ necks) Ivy came down with the virus the rest of us had that I thought we were done with and Jane went to bed with the cries of “I WANNA COOOKIE!” still ringing through the house.

Perhaps the day was the result of the universe getting even at me for laughing at Ivy, or perhaps it’s just m.o.t.h.e.r.h.o.o.d..

Thanks to Perfection Pending for hosting the Manic Mondays blog hop, click on the button below to see more or join in!

First Grade!

Sep3

At 4:00AM Ivy was trying to get us up so she could go to school.

At 4:05AM John was trying to get her to go back to sleep in her own bed.

At 4:10AM he had given up and gone back to bed himself.

At 6:30AM she was back – “I’m all ready, all I need is my shoes and breakfast.”

At 6:35AM John was begging her to go back to bed for a little big longer.

At 6:40AM he gave up and got up to have breakfast with Ivy.

At 7:15AM she came back to get me up so I could take her picture.

At 7:30AM I dragged myself outside and took some pictures of her.

At 7:40AM they finally left for school.

At 7:50AM Ivy decided she needed her Dad to walk her into school.

At 7:55AM Ivy saw her friends and left her Dad without a goodbye or a backward glance.

At 3:55PM Ivy got off the bus.At 4:00PM Ivy told us how great her first day was.

At 5:15PM I said I was going to name a fictional Great Dane Reinold Von Hoobie Doobie and I “ruined her first day of school!”

At 6:15PM Ivy tried to eat the entire contents of the kitchen for dinner.

At 8:00PM I tucked her in bed.

At 8:05PM there was a fracas and Clara was moved to a different room!

And at 8:05PM and thirty seconds Ivy was sound asleep!

Sabotage

Mar6

My last post was about what a great dad John is and, while that is still true, the gushing over my husband is starting to make my eyes roll. So today my John story is less about greatness and more about sabotage.

Sorry Honey.

I had yet to fall asleep when Clara woke up crying and wanting someone to “nuggle” with her. I got up to find Clara trying to leave her room, scooped her up and tucked her back into her bed.

She was not satisfied.

Clara explained that she wanted to sleep in my bed. I, disliking the idea of stolen pillows and tickley hair up my nose for the rest of the night, asked why. Well… She wanted to sleep in my bed because my blankets were better, and my pillows were nicer. Clara didn’t like her room that night and her bed was not “comfy!” Starting to be sorry I asked, I laid down next to her to snuggle and I pointed out how nice and comfortable her bed was. I showed her how soft her blankets were, and admired her new pillow case on her pillow. Clara, completely unconvinced, just hauled herself out of bed, picked up her water bottle and waded through a sea of stuffed animals as she headed out her door. By the time I caught up to her there she was explaining to John that she was coming to sleep with him because his bed was nicer. John responded, “Yeah, it is, isn’t it.” as he rolled over and fell back asleep.

Sabotage.

Having had all my arguments nullified by Johns one sleepy comment I looked down at Clara happily tucked under my down comforter with her head on my pillow and got a bit huffy. I decided that I would sleep in Clara’s bed, that way I wouldn’t have to fight for bed space or deal with anymore crying and I could just go to sleep.

So I did, and I discovered something.

Her blankets are not as nice as mine, her pillows are awful, and while I find her bed to be very comfy she has a ticking clock just above it that is truly terrible to sleep under.

Clara sleeping with different blankets in a rearranged room – still have to work on that pillow though!

Sorry Clara!

Being the Dad

Mar4

I’ve always thought that being a dad seemed like a good gig. As in my original post on the matter (Mother’s Day) I could elaborate on that but, out of respect for those dad’s who read this, I won’t.

John has always been a great dad. And while his daughters all love him and love doing things with him, lately something very interesting has been happening between him and his youngest girl.

When John leaves Jane cries or frantically waves goodbye over and over and over again.

When he returns Jane rushes to greet him as soon as she hears his voice.

If I’m carrying Jane through the house she will attempt to leap from my arms to his as we pass.

When John puts her to bed he sings her to sleep and she cuddles in and falls asleep in his arms in a way that she never does for me.

Recently Jane was having a bad night, a double ear infection kind of a bad night, and I had been up rocking her and singing to her and while she was settled down in my lap she wasn’t happy and she wasn’t sleeping. After awhile John came in the room to check on us, (added proof of great dad-idness). Jane crawled off my lap, crawled across the floor and pulled on his pants until he picked her up where she snuggled right into his shoulder.

Clearly I had been dismissed.

I crawled back into my own bed as I thought to myself “So, this is what it’s like to be the dad? Yup, I was right, it’s awesome!” and smiled as I fell back asleep.

Our Internet is Like A Tired One Year Old

Jan22

Lately our internet service has been acting like a one year old who dropped her morning nap.

Sometimes it’s all giggles and grins…

… and sometimes it can’t make it through lunch.

Perhaps one day we’ll have reliable internet at home but until then I ask you, to once again, forgive the spotty posting and poor e-mailing – we’ll get it figured out eventually!

The Nap Monster

Sep24

One minute there I was lining up an afternoon of cooking and preserving and the next -wham!- the Nap Monster got me and I was out for a time better measured in hours than in minutes.
These attacks have become a reoccurring issue. You see the problem is that I have a tendency to travel deep into nap monster habitat, completely unprepared for attack. After lunch, I take Jane and we lay down in my bed together to nurse her before nap time: it’s warm, it’s cuddly, it’s the afternoon, it’s Nap Monster habitat if I’ve ever heard it. And my packing for this trip through Nap Monster habitat – it never helps. I’m just not prepared to fend off the Nap Monster with the supplies I bring for my trip. In fact I can’t think of a single instance where my book, my pillow, my sweat pants and a nice big blanket ever really helped me hide from the Nap Monster.

The trouble is that I unabashedly love the naps. Afternoon naps with a baby have been my favorite since I discovered them in 2007 and I’m afraid the number of available opportunities is dwindling. In fact next time Jane and I dive into Nap Monster habitat I might just give him a big “Hallooo” and let him know I’m coming – just so I don’t let another opportunity pass me by.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Near and Far

Sep11

Weekly Photo Challenge: Near and Far

Near, Far… it’s all relative, right?

This is Jane sleeping on the far side of the room looking though the keyhole in the door near the camera…

Near and far, yes?

Yes.

Thanks for coming with me on that one.

And I know what you are thinking.

You are thinking this would be so much better with a bit of Jane’s face.

It wasn’t.

Curled sleeping baby hands in sunlight – good.

Parts of sleeping baby face through crib bars – surprisingly creepy.

Crib bars are not good for the complexion.

You can see a few more Near and Far keyhole pictures (arguably more interesting ones since they involve things like faces) I’ve taken in the past in Good News… Bad News… and Sweet Sisters.

Dear Jane

Jul25

Dear Jane,

You just turned seven months old and have discovered that the world is a big place, full of things that need to be explored and tasted. You haven’t yet mastered crawling exactly where you want but you can roll, and wiggle your way backwards and around in all sorts of circles. Despite everyone telling me that I’ll regret it I keep encouraging you to crawl. You are so interested in everything, too busy to even eat when we visit new places or when things are going on around you and you are so close to crawling! You get up on those knees and rock back and forth – soon, very soon you’ll get to where you want to go. I’m sure the dogs water bowl is top on your list after discovering how fun it was the other day and I’m prepared to clean up the water spill at least a half a dozen times before it starts to drive me nuts, but here is the thing. Right now you are teething and still getting over the end of a nasty virus. So, when you are almost asleep you don’t need to reach out and touch the wall/chair/book/bed/door you can just relax, they will all be there when you wake up. And when your little body hits the bed it’s not necessary to roll onto your belly and pop up on your knees like a funny little jack-in-the-box. You are so very cute smiling away, showing me once again how close you are to figuring it all out but right now you need your sleep and there will be more time when the sun comes up to try again. I promise.

Love,

Your Mom

My Kindly Torturer

Apr30

Early in the morning my kindly torturer sneaks into my bed and snuggles in beside me as I drift back to sleep.

Then she rolls over, and sighs.

Then she kindly covers me with half of her nasty, soggy, stinky, chewed on blanket.

Then she wiggles.

Then she gently rubs my back.

Then she sighs and traces the line of my pajama top ever so gently.

Then she rubs my foot.

Then she traces the letters on my pajamas with her finger.

Then she cuddles in next to me.

She never says a word, she’s very quite, very gentle, very kind.

When I give in and open my eyes and say good morning she gives me a hug and says she loves me, I return the sentiment.

But the kind, gentle, loss of that last hour of sleep is so painful.

Keeping my mouth shut so as not to scream: “STOP TOUCHING ME! GET OUT OF MY BED! I’M SLEEPING!” requires so much will power.

Not crushing her spirit as I throw her from the room requires so much effort from my sleepy brain.

Then I start the day swinging between guilty feelings about my decidedly unkind thoughts about my kind daughter and feeling completly justified in my irritation that my day started out with a bit of torture.

There is something magic about that last hour of sleep. Go ahead interrupt me every hour all night, pee in your bed causing me to change it at three AM, cry, whine, throw up, anything, all night, whatever, whenever.

Just please, please let me sleep that last hour.

Please?!?

A Miracle of Motherhood

Feb21

It’s said that motherhood is full of life changing miracles.

And it is, I know because as a kid I often woke up on the floor.

I fell out of bed in my sleep.

I also woke up upside down, sideways, tangled in blankets, without blankets, or huddling under a pillow because the blankets had disappeared from the bed or not followed me onto the floor. On camping trips my family would put me on the end of the tent next to my Dad to me to keep me in my corner.

I still woke up along everyone’s feet.

In fact it wasn’t until I got married that I finally ended up facing the right way every morning. Of course John and I plus a cat, and often a dog leaves very little room to wiggle much less thrash. (Did I mention we have a full sized bed, that Piper used to share with us? I was stuck!) While I have not woken up on the floor for many years neither have I manged to outgrow my tendency to thrash and move around all night stealing blankets in the process.

Enter motherhood.

Now I can lay down in bed next to an infant, do a lot of rustling to arrange us both just right, fall asleep and wake up hours (sometimes even four!) later in exactly the same position.